Prepare Well for the Cancer Journey
by David Wakefield PhD, Psychologist, Mind Body Medicine
Cancer Treatment Centers of America/Southwestern Regional Medical Center
Recently a group of bicycle riders decided to travel to Tucson, Arizona to pedal our bicycles up Mt. Lemon. None of the riders had made this climb of almost 9,000 feet over 30 miles, so we really didn’t know what to expect. The riders who were in the best shape and weighed the least made the climb in three hours. Those who rode hard and fast in the beginning weren’t able to maintain their pace, and it took them three and a half hours. Those who were the least prepared and weighed the most took four hours to ride to the top. From this recent experience, there are some lessons to be learned in being a caregiver to others.
1. Be prepared for a marathon or a long ride. Cancer isn’t something that just dissipates easily like low-lying clouds in the early morning … when the sun rises, the clouds roll away. One needs a mind set that helping others be successful in their fight with an acute medical problem is a daily battle that can seem relentless at times. How does one get prepared?
2. Get reliable information. When climbing Mt. Lemon, we didn’t get good instructions on how to get on the right road to the mountain. Consequently, we rode five miles before we ever started the climb. This made our day more difficult by not being better prepared. One way to get prepared is to discuss what this journey is like with other caregivers. This can often happen in a cancer support group. Ask other caregivers what it takes to be successful on this journey. A second way is to get on the Internet and do as much research as possible. Try to have good information that will guide your journey. A third way is to ask God for help and wisdom. James 1:5 says if we lack wisdom, we’re to ask God and God will give wisdom liberally to everyone.
3. Be flexible. If you have not been a caregiver before, you’ll be dealing with a learning curve. You will learn what works for you as a caregiver and what works for the patient. Sometimes what works for the patient doesn’t work for the caregiver. This is an opportunity for conflict to arise. When we got on the wrong road to climb Mt. Lemon, we had to back track until we found the right highway. Sometimes you need to change the game plan and learn other ways to be helpful instead of being rigid or stubborn. Because cancer is such a devastating disease, many people feel completely out of control. In order to gain a sense of control, a person often tries to control other areas of life or the life of the patient. It makes life more difficult when you have to deal with people with control issues, and the patient is already sick and not feeling good. It’s helpful to identify when the patient, caregivers and medical staff are being over controlling as a mechanism to deal with their own sense of being out of control.
4. Realization/insight of your personality traits. Most of us have issues we developed in the process of being nurtured or not nurtured by our family of origin. Some of these traits can be very helpful in helping others, and some of these traits become problematic. Let me share a common example. Most females are fantastic caregivers. They take care of everyone else first. If there is any time or energy left over, then they may try to take care of themselves. This trait is both helpful and harmful when it comes to helping others.
For example, when you fly, your receive pre-flight instructions when you push back from the jet way. “If the cabin should become depressurized, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and you will put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help a small child or an elderly person next to you.” Caregivers have to find a way to breathe, take a break, get re-energized, take mini or moment vacations so they can survive this journey. If they don’t, they, too, will become a patient, because they will become exhausted. On the climb of Mt. Lemon, we had to stop and get water, because we had run out. If we had become dehydrated in the 107 degree heat, we would have never made it to the top. You have to take care of yourself first and the patient second. This is a very difficult assignment for most caregivers, because they are so used to taking care of others first.
5. Decrease other stressors in your life as much as possible. It’s extremely stressful to be a caregiver for a person who is sick. If the patient is in pain, he or she often becomes irritable or angry and tends to share that anger with the person closest. That would be the caregiver who is in the room at the time. If you have multiple other issues dragging you down, there will come a time when the proverbial straw will break the camel's back. It’s a good idea before you become a caregiver to have an emotional garage sale. Go through all those issues you're carrying. Decide which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to eliminate. Keep only those emotions that will be helpful for you. This is also a helpful exercise for the cancer patient to do.
Before we climbed Mt. Lemon, we discarded all unnecessary items to make our climb as light as possible. Remember, the guys who weighed the most and were the least prepared took the longest time to make it to the top of the mountain.
Ways to decrease our emotional stressors are to:
a. Ask God to show you if there are any issues in your life that He would like to help you with to bring healing.
b. Ask God to give you insight into your responsibility in the healing process. This may mean asking God for forgiveness for past feelings, thoughts or behaviors. This may mean going to another person and seeking to make the relationship better. This may mean laying aside thoughts or emotions that aren’t helping you be successful. If you have trouble hearing direction from God, then go to the person who has the most contact with you and ask that person to give you feedback on your personality traits. Take pen and paper so you can write these issues down. Then take this list to God and ask Him for His help. Another way to deal with these issues is to see a therapist to receive help and feedback for professional growth.
In 1990-1991, I had a year that was extremely stressful. I had a therapist for the entire time, just to help me with all the stressors that were occurring in my life. I survived, because I had professional help.
6. Spiritual battles: Cancer isn't just a physical problem or a fight for one’s life. Cancer impacts every aspect of life: body, mind and spirit. A part of cancer is a spiritual battle. It’s not uncommon for a cancer patient to ask “why me” or to be struggling spiritually. When a person gets down spiritually, it’s much easier to stay down spiritually and emotionally unless you get spiritual interventions.
Here are a few interventions I have found to be helpful for both caregiver and cancer patient:
a. Jesus said that in this world we will have problems but be of good cheer, He has overcome all of these tribulations. Stay connected to the one who will help you be victorious in this life and in the life to come.
b. Ask God to break any spiritual oppression that is weighing you down. Ask God to send those evil forces to where God would have them go. You may need to do this frequently for a while until you sense a release or that the weight is gone. This is an excellent time to have a spiritual prayer warrior agree with you in prayer. This is a great time to pray God’s word.
c. Marinate your mind in the Word of God. Allow favorite Scripture verses to strengthen you when the day is difficult. When I was climbing Mt. Lemon, I kept repeating to myself, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Another one was, “Thank you, God, for your help.”
d. Read success stories of other cancer patients that have been healed as a way to encourage yourself.
7. The grieving process. There are a lot of things in life that don’t seem to make good sense or that seem unjust and unfair. Why does a good person who has eaten right, exercised daily, lived in a toxin-free environment get cancer? Why does a baby die of cancer? Since we don’t have good answers, what do we do? One suggestion, for both cancer patients and caregivers, is to read the book The Dead Sea Rules. This is a helpful book during difficult times. Another suggestion is to grieve all the losses you have experienced: loss of health, loss of future hopes and dreams, loss of job, loss of income, loss of home, because there is no money to make the mortgage payment. Anticipatory grief is grieving those things that haven’t happened yet but seen inevitable.
Another good resource is to read the book the Grief Recovery Handbook. It’s extremely difficult to experience overwhelming sadness and tears on a regular basis. My encouragement is to keep crying or grieving and don’t get stuck in your grief. If you do, this grief grows from resentment to anger to bitterness to a poison that floods your soul. This emotional baggage will cloud your vision and destroy your attitude. To prevent this attitude, have a hope that is greater than this life. When people get well from any disease, at some point they will die, even if it is from old age. If one has the hope of eternal life, then death loses its sting. If we know our loved one is going to go to be with God and that we, too, can join them when we die, then this is the “Blessed Hope.” We don’t have to be angry, because we know that death is a transition from this life to eternal life. Someday, we will make the same transition, and we can once again be with our loved ones and our Savior.
After a four-hour relentless climb to the top of Mt. Lemon, it was a great time to celebrate with those guys who had made it there ahead of me. We each did it with our own pace and in our own time. If I climbed it again, I realize now that the climb would be a lot easier without the excess baggage of 30 extra pounds on my body. If you shed those things that hold you back, as either a caregiver or cancer patient, it will still be a long journey, but the trip will be less difficult. Keep Climbing!