Dealing with Loss: The Power of Being Heard

by Rev. Robin Childs, MDiv, Chaplain

Cancer Treatment Centers of America/Eastern Regional Medical Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

(Details in these stories have been changed or omitted to preserve the anonymity of the families involved).

Early on in my experience as a chaplain, fresh from a couple years of training, I found myself in the living room of a woman in her early 60s and dying of cancer. She was angry at God. She adored her two grandchildren and their parents -- her own daughter and son-in-law. She tenderly loved her husband. She knew her cancer would end her life and that her two very young grandsons, who were extremely close to her, would be devastated when she passed.

She was experiencing the grief of the loss of decades that could have been shared with the whole family. I was at a loss as to what to do for her but followed my training. That, in part, taught me to validate her feelings. I helped her voice them completely by asking questions to clarify and by making observations about what her experience seemed to be like for her to live through.

When she was done expressing herself 45 minutes later, I was hesitant to ask if she’d like a prayer (since she’d just expressed her anger at God and her circumstances so thoroughly). So I tentatively asked: “Would you like a prayer?” She almost leapt forward, saying, “Absolutely! That would be wonderful!” We prayed, and as I went out to my car, I was singing God’s praises silently in my mind. From there, she got back in touch with her local church and had the pastor visiting, as well as me, until she passed. The pastor and I both participated in the funeral service.

This began to help crystallize for me what my role is, in part, as a person supporting those who are facing life threatening illness, and that is as follows: Listen to a person thoroughly for the sake of helping them get back in touch with themselves, family/friends, and most importantly with God.

Another time, I visited a man in a hospital, who was paralyzed in both legs from an impact wound he’d suffered several years earlier. He’d been admitted to the hospital for a reason not directly related to that injury, but that’s what was on his mind when I dropped by that day.

He talked about the many losses he’d experienced from that single devastating injury. These had recently been brought home to him by what seemed like a simple experience. He was in his parent’s basement, where he now lived, when he heard someone enter the house at a strange time of day. His heart was racing. In a rush, many things hit him at once. He couldn’t defend the house. He couldn’t defend his parents if this was an intruder, and there were a confrontation. He couldn’t defend himself. He was no longer who he used to be. Fortnately, the intruder turned out to be his mother, who had returned for something she’d forgotten when she left the house that morning.

Nonetheless, the experience left him shaken to his core, and this was the first time he’d talked about it with anyone. We processed through his feelings related to those many losses and prayed together at the conclusion. Many visits followed, and he seemed a lighter soul each day after expressing himself.

I could tell a lot of similar stories involving impact-wound patients, people battling cancer, or people on hospice, all of whom were dealing with many losses relating to their traumatic illness/injury. And from my experiences with them, I've learned that when ministering to people grieving losses from their cancer, or any other circumstances, the main message/prayer for you as caregivers is:

When people are in deep suffering, there is great power when they feel they're being heard and understood.

Cancer patients experience a variety of losses that can seem overwhelming to them and to you as a support person: loss of body parts, loss of hair, loss of memory, loss of clear thought/expression, loss of energy, loss of self identity, loss of independence, loss of self esteem, loss of a job/career, loss of financial security, potential loss of decades of life with entire family, loss of intimacy with their spouse, etc. etc. etc….

When these people are expressing any one of these types of losses, it's such a gift for you to be able to:

• Look them in the eye
• Ask them questions --  questions that help them clarify what they’re thinking and feeling and how that has impacted their relationship with God, others, and themselves.
• Make observations about what you’re hearing -- simple observations can free up years of tears such as: “It seems as though you’ve been in a lot of pain for a long time.”
• Just be with them in their pain.
• Listen. It’s incredibly cathartic to be truly heard and known by someone.

 Pray before stepping into your visit for God to help you be still in the midst of another’s pain. “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

This is demanding, but rewarding, work.

It’s a vulnerable thing to be with another in their pain. We tend to want to change the topic, tell them it will work out all right, talk away their feelings, use humor to divert them from their feelings, pray away their feelings, etc.

But if you can trust that God wants them to just be heard and allow Him to take care of the rest, surprising things will happen. It’s also true that your work as a caregiver will be more enriching and extremely helpful.